All I Ever Wanted Was Love!!!
Why is it so hard to find love in this world?
Since the time I was a little girl, all I ever wanted was to be loved, to be accepted the way I was. Was it too much to ask?
As I lay wide awake on my bed in the middle of the night, I try to rewind my entire life in front of my eyes to try and figure out where did I actually go wrong? I rewind it again and again, but to no avail. I am still unsure as to which major part did I actually miss.
I have always been a romantic at heart and would always dream of a fairytale type of life, where no matter who you are or where you are, your Prince Charming would always find you, where the entire universe gets together to make you meet your lover, where you are the most loved character among all. I have always dreamt of such type of life. But we all know dreams are just meant to be dreamt of, it doesn’t ever come true. That’s the difference between a dream and reality.
I have always been on the weaker side, health-wise, since the time I was a little girl. Due to which, my elder sister would always be the one my aunt would want to take to the market rather than taking me and risking me falling. I would always feel left-out and disheartened. She, being an extrovert, people seem to like her more and I grew up always wanting to gain the attention my sister would get.
In my school days, I was a very introvert girl and wouldn’t talk much. I always felt no one loved me and would make fun of whatever I uttered, so preferred to keep my mouth shut. I was average at studies which contributed further to make me feel dumb in front of my classmates. I had accepted love wasn’t for me and the last thing I wanted was my classmates laughing at me. School soon got over, and unlike others, I was happy about it.
Soon I got into college and decided to focus on my studies. I thought maybe if I do well in studies, people would automatically love me, as I had always seen in school that toppers were always the most loved ones. I made friends in college, good ones, and was happy for once. My grades did improve drastically and more and more of my batchmates started to interact with me. It felt like a good phase. But, this was also the phase of our lives where we craved for the attention of the opposite sex. I would see all my girl friends falling in love and getting so many proposals. Me on the other hand, any guy would just approach me to either ask for my notes or to ask some doubt related to some subject. Before any exams I was the one to get the most number of calls, but all asking for some or the other doubts. Never once did anyone propose me or seem to have a crush on me. Still life went on. Soon college came to an end and this time I was very sad at being parted from my dear friends.
So starts the next phase of my life — Work life, the life as a professional. I got job in a great company and made good friends on the first day itself. Even work was going good, my teammates, my manager, all were happy with my work. Seems like everything is perfect, but what was still missing was love. I had still not seen any guy getting attracted to me or even trying to flirt with me, while all my friend would get so much attention from guys. I failed to understand what was it that attracts a guy to a girl, what was it that I was missing.
Every guy considered me to be a good friend, but things came to a stop there. People around me seem to like me a lot and even enjoyed my company. I, being of a chirpy nature in front of people I am comfortable with, guys used to love pulling my leg and joking with me, but no one ever seem to have a crush on me. Me, on the other hand, seem to get crush on every third guy I met, which made it further difficult.
I don’t know if it was my fault that I couldn’t understand their feelings or if I was very casual at displaying my feelings, but the reason for it was that I was always very scared to let anyone know if I even had a crush on them, as I didn’t want to face rejection. More than rejection, it was the fear to be laughed at, to be insulted at how could I even think of it. Maybe they were out of my league. They were bound to get someone better than me, right? And as I had always been influenced a lot by movies and fairytales, where it is always the guys who take the initial step, I expected the same and kept waiting and hoping.
Slowly days changed to years, and soon my marriage was fixed. In just a gap of 2 months from the day of my marriage getting fixed, I found myself taking the 7 vows of a lifetime of togetherness. Just in the blink of an eye I was married.
My life changed overnight, nothing remained the same. I was happy to be someone’s wife, as the way my life had been excluded of love, I highly doubted if anyone would ever want to marry me. Yet, here he was, full of love and care for me.
As the days started to pass, I was again starting to get haunted by my luck with love, as it had been so far. Though my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me, the truth remained the same. He loved me, cared for me, but it felt similar to the way you would love or care for a friend or a sibling. He didn’t seem to be attracted to me or love me in a way lovers do. I felt more like a best friend of his than a wife. Though in a way it’s the best kinda relation, still I miss what has always been missing in my life, love.
I miss experiencing how it feels when someone is madly in love with you, when someone admires you.
I guess this is life. Everyone has to make sacrifices and I guess this is the sacrifice God wants from me. And, life still goes on. Slowly we learn to live with it. I hope I learn to live with it too. Sometime soon, before the pain gets too much to bear.
